Red Bull Red Bull gives you wings! ...because you just got cancer. What we thought: Tantalus: Let me tell you something, waking up in the morning sucks. When I get out of bed at 1:12PM in order to get to my early as fuck 2 PM class on time, I need something to kick me in the ass and wake me up. This is when I turn to my good ol' buddy Red Bull. Immediately I am full of energy. I'm no longer too lazy to even do tedious and sweaty jobs such as taking a shit. Unretrofied took a sip and gave me the can telling me he had to take a piss. He ran to the bathroom. I didn't care much as I took another bitter sip and felt even more refreshed. He came back with an angry look on his face. I didn't know why he was so mad since he just took a piss, which is quite rewarding. However, he grabbed the can out of my hand before I could finish the last few sips and crushed it. I was thinking he was mad by now, but wasn't completely sure. I didn't really care that my last Red Bull can was crushed. I took it like a man and went and bought me another one. That's right. Took it like a man. I didn't cry or anything. Why would I cry over something like a precious wasted Red Bull, which I could have consumed into my belly and felt happy and refreshed for the morning to come? Nope, didn't care. Unretrofied was only wasting his time trying to look all cool and macho by crushing a can, but I didn't even care. Go ahead Unretrofied, smash more of my cans, because you know what, I'll just keep coming back for more. I must have it. My precious Red Bull. So tingly and refreshing. So crisp and clean. So revitalizing. I can feel my wings growing right now where I will lift off and fly away into the horizon to buy me another can...and another. I'm not addicted. Why would you say such a thing? Who do you think you are? Huh? Smashing my Red Bull cans like this. I'll show you. I didn't even care. Red Bull is better than all of you! Unretrofied: One day as I walked to the subway station, I witnessed a common sight in good old New York City. A homeless man was urinating on a wall. As I passed, a strange thought came through my mind. I wondered what pee tastes like. This was a dilemma in my mind until I drank a Red Bull. Now you may say, "Hey there buddy, I like Red Bull and I think it tastes just fine," or "It may not taste that great, but I need the energy." You know what I say to that. "Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck." Anyone who needs energy bad enough that they would drink piss soda is missing a chunk of brain matter. Even if you do like the taste how much are you really gonna get? You get this midget can with barely enough drink to quench your thirst. I've seen bigger cans on a fucking 7 year old girl. Call me old fashioned but don't the already tasty caffeinated drinks out there give enough energy to bring you up in the morning or keep you up when pulling an all-nighter? Coffee has made the world go 'round for ages now, why must we bring new trendy drinks that taste like kidney waste? I've been drinking coffee and soda since I was little and its always done the job. Now, don't miss understand my tone. I don't hate Red Bull lovers. My own roommate, Tantalus, is a Red Bull drinker. However, when he was drinking it one day, I got so mad, that I just came up to him and crushed the can in his face. He began to cry like a little baby. It wasn't that big of a deal really, I don't get it. All I'm saying is that the drink itself is a ridiculous concept when you think about the fact that we've had much more delicious sources of energy around for years before my alarming birth. People, seriously, Red Bull is bad and expensive. And come on, that shit does not give you wings. That's right, cry bitch. Tantalus: Duppable yet Energetic. Unretrofied: Extremely Non-Duppable.