Milk You people need to settle down with the milk byproducts! What we thought: Alright, I've had it. There hasn't been real milk in the house for days now. Recently, there has been this whole propaganda about soymilk and skim milk going around and it just makes me want to kick a puppy in the throat. First of all, milk should come from cows, don’t ask why, it's just how life works so don't try to screw with it. It is a direct pasteurized product that should be pure white and come in a liquid form in a bottle or jug for me to consume at breakfast time. How hard is it really? Milk goes from cow into bottle into my mouth. Easy. You can't fuck that up, right? Wrong. People have done everything possible to destroy milk and its name on this planet. Every time I go to any of my friend's house now, all they have is some pansy 2% skim milk bullshit. 2% milk? If it's 2% milk, what's the other 98% made of? And the excuse I keep hearing is "Oh it's healthier!" Really? Is it really that much healthier to make something taste like cactus by removing the good stuff: FAT. A glass a day may keep the doctor away, but it sure as hell doesn't keep my ass away from the toilet. Trust me, that stuff will constipate you so bad that your stool will surpass the circumference of the hole in the toilet bowl. Also, whenever pouring skim or 2% milk into a transparent glass, I'm always disturbed by this: See that light bluish line surrounding the meniscus of the milk? What the hell is that crap floating up to the top of my milk? Why do they expect me to drink this? Why is it blue? Milk is not blue! I have done extensive research in my lab involving detailed mechanics and physics, while at the same time spending money on top of the line lab equipment made by scientists who want to rule the world and have come up with the final complex solution to this lifelong riddle. The bluish line is composed of urinal cake. Mmm tasty. Everyone needs to stop ruining milk. Nowadays they have powdered milk. Powdered milk? Someone explain this to me before I go out and put this garbage into my system...please. Think that's bad? I seen crap at the supermarket called rice milk. HOW DOES RICE PRODUCE MILK!? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO SCAM? Does rice have little nipples that you can squeeze and milk comes out of them? Who comes up with this crap? Another thing that gets my guts to boil is soy milk. I'm too angry to even begin explaining why this is just wrong, so I think the words of Lewis Black explain it the best: "There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. Know how come I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?" The point being made is, Soy Milk is bullshit. Simple. No fat? Where's the goddamn flavor then? Fat gives milk its flavor, so with no fat all you get is ass, and I'm not talking about a fat ass because that would just compliment it. And I hate it when people say it's natural and organic. Organic? Natural? Since when is it natural to take beans and turn them into a sloshy puree of white substance and label it as milk. it's not even white you brickshitters. It's yellow! What kinda sick minded person drinks yellow milk? If that's natural, then so are implants. You natural skim diet healthy shmucks make me sick. Go back to the 70's you old dirty smelly hippies. Tantalus: Extremely Non-Duppable. Randomizer: Non-Duppable.